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當第二胎出生之後,我們該如何面對老大?教養書籍推薦《正向的手足教養》(2) - 學學趣

當第二胎出生之後,我們該如何面對老大?教養書籍推薦《正向的手足教養》(2)

前一篇文章提到,第二胎的即將誕生,對於老大而言,其實是一種依附威脅,那麼,在第二胎誕生之後,我們又該如何安撫老大呢?

許多父母在這個時候,總會希望老大能夠扮演起老大的樣子,多體諒、多包容。但是,這其實是我們期望老大能「一往如常」,藉此讓我們不必面對自身恐懼的一種方式。

也就是說,當我們越是期待老大能扮演好大兒子、大女兒的樣子時,越是不敢面對自身要安撫老大這件事情的恐懼感。這就好像我們在外面有了小三、小王,對元配會有一種虧欠感一樣,而對於這種虧欠感,我們往往會透過心理防衛機制,把它轉換成一種憤怒,或是一種討好。

於是,我們會對元配發脾氣,硬要挑出元配的錯,來減緩自己的罪惡感;或是刻意送元配禮物等等,來彌補內心的虧欠感,其實背後目的只有一個,就是希望元配「能把自己外遇的這件事情吞下去」。

生第二胎也是一樣,我們或許會對長子、長女發脾氣,要他/她扮演好哥哥姐姐的樣子,或是透過買玩具等方式,透過討好的方式把第二胎的出現給吞下去,這樣的心境,我覺得是很類似的。

畢竟,我們和配偶的關係,以及和兒女之間的關係,都是依附關係,所以這期間的相似之處,也就不足為奇了。

然而,我們在實際上到底該怎麼做呢?這本書提到的要點就是:「不要逼老大接受老二的出現。」

老大的情緒,需要適度的安撫

這本書的作者認為,老大在老二出生之後,覺得爸媽不再疼惜自己的心情是一定會有的。對於這一點,我認為,做為父母的,一定要正視自己的罪惡感,千萬別把自己的罪惡感變成忽視老大或是要老大吞下去的能量。

即便老大沒有特別提起,老大依然需要適度地安撫。即便再累,每天都還是要花時間陪伴老大,讓老大感覺到你的心裡還有他/她。

要怎麼做呢?作者覺得,父母可以嘗試用這些話和老大討論他/她的情緒:「我知道你/妳現在要和弟弟/妹妹分享爸爸媽媽的愛,會讓你有些受不了,爸爸媽媽很重視你的感受,希望你能把任何你的感覺都告訴爸爸媽媽。」、「爸爸媽媽小時候也曾經經歷過你這樣的時期,也曾經對弟弟妹妹很吃醋,所以爸爸媽媽懂你的感受。」

鼓勵孩子說出自己的感受,用依附理論的語言來講,就是讓老大感覺到他有需求時,父母依然是會出現的(available)、對自己的需求敏感的(sensitive)、支持自己的需求的(supportive)。

要如何敏感地覺察大兒子/大女兒的需求,並予以支持呢?有時候在買東西給新生兒的時候,也帶老大去挑選自己喜歡的東西,便是一個可行的做法,重點不是買的東西本身,而是讓老大感覺到父母依然關心自己。

同時,作者也建議不要當著大兒子的面誇讚二兒子、不要讓兩者陷入一種被比較的狀態裡。可以誇讚老二,但別忘了老大也要一起。

也盡量不要因為老二的誕生,就要求老大改變原來的生活習慣,例如突然要他自己去幼稚園上課,不再接送等等,這些細節都會讓老大覺得自己不再被愛、被父母拋棄了。

老大可能會有的失控行為與應對方式

有一種防衛機轉叫做退化(regression),就是當人面對到重大挫折的時候,就會退化回小孩子的樣子,如此一來就可以避免承擔責任。

有時候,老大在老二出生之後,可能會退化回小嬰兒的樣子,希望引起父母的注意。父母如果在這個時候責備他,就忽略了他心理背後的壓力了。

這時候,適時詢問他「是不是覺得爸爸媽媽不再疼愛你了,所以你才希望變回小時候的樣子,希望我們多關心你呢?」是很重要的。

當然,詢問是一回事,事實關心老大的心情,讓老大知道自己並不是全然被拋棄了,藉此理解老大的依附需求,才是正確的做法。本書作者建議,不妨說說老大的好處,例如:「這個遊戲只有你可以玩,弟弟妹妹還不能玩,因為他還不會走路。」、「這個蛋糕只有你可以吃,因為弟弟妹妹牙齒還沒長出來,還不能吃。」便是一個讓老大放下防衛的方式。

不過,老大有做老大的好處,自然也有需要負起責任的部分,例如作者提到了,可以依照老大的年紀,透過任務分配的方式,讓他協助照顧老二,例如協助逗老二開心、幫老二洗澡等等,在條件許可之下,讓老大能夠參與到照顧弟弟妹妹的任務,將有助於老大融入有老二的生活之中。

最重要的是,不要刻意營造老大、老二競爭的氛圍,讓彼此之間是實質上平等的、能夠互助合作的,才是一次教養兩個孩子的要點。千萬別脫口說出:「你是老大,這個要讓弟弟妹妹喔!」這樣的話喔。

作者  

貓心 Psydetective

台大心理系畢業。國北教心理與諮商所。
撰寫心理相關文章,期望能陪伴自己與讀者找回安全感。


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