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教養書籍推薦——0~3歲給對愛就不怕寵壞(3) - 學學趣

教養書籍推薦——0~3歲給對愛就不怕寵壞(3)

前面談到了撒嬌是獨立的第一步,但是明橋醫生特別強調,撒嬌絕對不等於撒野。到底怎麼樣是有界線的愛呢?明橋醫生特別用了一個章節來說明這件事情:讓他撒嬌,是要尊重孩子的步調;讓他撒野則是配合大人的步調走,更明確的說,可以分成下列兩大差異:

讓他撒嬌:回應孩子情緒上的要求;讓他撒野:回應孩子物質上的需求。

讓他撒嬌,具體的做法是,接受小孩子退回到小寶寶的時期,給予小孩子擁抱、安慰小孩子負面的情緒;讓他撒野會,則是一味的滿足孩子物質上的要求。有一種爸媽是這樣的,平時很忙,沒辦法顧小孩,基於這樣的罪惡感,買了很多玩具給孩子。久而久之,孩子就會習慣性的用物質埋藏寂寞的心情。

另一個重要的點是,讓他撒嬌是「伸手幫助孩子做不到的事情」,讓他撒野則是「孩子做得到的事情也要插手」。有些父母很難忍受孩子動作慢、很難忍受孩子做錯事情,於是明明孩子是可以從錯誤中學習的,卻偏偏要插手幫他完成。久而久之,孩子對於挫折的容忍度會變得很低,同時也會失去自我解決問題的成就感。

明橋醫生特別強調,不讓孩子撒嬌,就是對他撒手不管,這不是「獨立」,而是「孤立」。

就如同前面所說的,孩子確實有自己無法做到的事情,但是父母如果採取完全不理會的態度,孩子學到的就是:「即便遇到困難了,也不會向別人求助」因為他們相信「向別人求助是沒有用的!」

再次回到依附量表的逃避論述:「每當我想親近別人時,我總是躲開。」、「我覺得親近對方是一件不容易的事情。」、「我很介意向對方尋求安慰、支持和協助。」這一些概念,就是從小時候的互動關係形成的自我概念,進而成為長大後與人互動的基本模式。

作者  

貓心 Psydetective

〈 女人迷 〉、〈 泛科學 〉專欄作家。台大心理系畢業。
很喜歡貓,期許自己有一天能開一間充滿貓的心理諮商所。

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