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當孩子需要繩子,請別丟石頭給他。弄清需求,才能傳遞愛 - 學學趣

當孩子需要繩子,請別丟石頭給他。弄清需求,才能傳遞愛

有許多父母總會抱怨說,自己的孩子長大之後就變了,我好心為他準備這麼多,他卻總是不領情,還怪我整天為他瞎操心一堆事情。這樣的心聲,在父母之間並不少見。

面對父母如此的操心,孩子不領情,確實讓做父母的很為難。不過有的時候,父母在操心之前,或許也要緩緩,自己給出的愛,孩子真的接收的到嗎?

記得我媽媽在生前削水果給我吃的時候,常常會削很多很多,生怕我們營養不均衡。然而,水果那麼大一碗,我常常會吃不完,每當我試圖向媽媽表示「這麼多我吃不完」的時候,她總是接收到「兒子不懂我的心意」這樣的訊息,於是總會回我「那我以後都不削你的」。

其實這件事情,表面上好像就只是個互動,但內心卻充滿著波折。我猜想我媽媽應該是接收到了「我削這麼多,就是怕你營養不均衡,你還要嫌」的訊息,但我想傳遞的只是「這麼多的水果,我實在是吃不完,能不能弄少一點」的訊息而已。心裡帶著預設立場,把事情往負面的角度去解讀,反而沒有辦法接收到我真實的意圖。

今天看了一本書,叫做《你的善良必須有點鋒芒2》,書中有一篇文章,叫做「對那些以愛知名傷害你的人說『不』」,這位中國的作者也談到了她的母親。她的母親,每次在她回到家中的時候,總要弄一大堆飯菜,趁她不注意的時候,舀到她的碗裡給她吃,如果作者吃不完,總會被母親數落半天,以愛為名的責罵,在中國傳統文化下,似乎又沉重了許多。

作者說她不吃豬肉,一來是對豬肉過敏,二來是小時候看過殺豬放血的畫面,實在非常嚇人,從此她對豬肉敬而遠之。但她的母親,卻從來不懂她的恐懼,每次回到家,即便作者再三叮囑母親不要買太多豬肉,只要幫她做一份素食即可,她的母親偏偏就還是要做一堆豬肉料理,於是作者說了一句話:「她的善良,只是想要滿足她自己的需求罷了。」

作者用了一個很生動的比喻,她說,這就好像自己掉到了井裡,這時候她需要的是繩子,但母親卻丟給了她石頭,在落井下石的同時,又告訴她說,這些石頭可以做為台階,妳可以從裡面爬出來,卻聽不見她需要繩子的需求。

身為父母的你,是否真的聽見了孩子的需求,又或者只從自己的眼中判斷孩子的需求呢?

作者  

貓心 Psydetective

台大心理系畢業。國北教心理與諮商所。
撰寫心理相關文章,期望能陪伴自己與讀者找回安全感。


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