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好書推薦《教出好規矩》:真正的溝通,得從聆聽開始 - 學學趣

好書推薦《教出好規矩》:真正的溝通,得從聆聽開始

我在台大就讀的五年裡,特別喜歡其中一個老師的演講,他的名子叫孫中興,是一個以開設愛情社會學課程成名的老教授。

記得他曾經在某一場演講中,回答某位聽眾的提問。那名聽眾問了老師一個問題:「為什麼我的男朋友都不聽我說,這樣怎麼溝通阿?」

孫老師聽完之後說了一句:「請你先去拿一卷膠帶,把自己的嘴巴貼起來,好好聽對方想表達什麼。溝通的意思是,你要好好聽對方講,不能都只有你在講,不然這樣的話,你們兩個之間就只有溝沒有通嘛!」

這句話,簡單而震撼,明確點出了溝通的意義。

建立與孩子的溝通,重要的同樣是聆聽

確實,身為父母的,比身為小孩的年長很多,也有很多生命經驗。

然而,孩子也有屬於自己的生命經驗,也有自己的個性跟情緒,當你一味的想把你的想法加諸於孩子身上時,孩子便無法感覺到被接納的感覺。

用一個簡單的比喻,即便是同一家工廠生產出來的美樂蒂娃娃,每一隻眼睛的大小、耳朵的毛色,都會有所不同了,更何況是你和你的孩子呢?

你的孩子並不是你的複製人,你有你的個性,他也有他的個性,你有你的想法,他也有他的想法。因此,要溝通,你也得理解孩子的想法。

在《教出好規矩【給父母的教養練習手冊】:正確的聆聽與理解,幫助2~8歲孩子建立行為界線,達成良性的親子互動》這本書中的第二章,特別強調溝通的重要性,在於「聆聽」。

作者用了一句很棒的開頭,來詮釋所謂的聆聽:聽見每個人都會,聆聽則需要空閒、動機和同理心。

心理學家告訴你,如何聆聽才是最佳的聆聽

書中引用了美國心理學家Elias Hull Porter整理出的六種聆聽方式,其中五種是我們常常犯的錯誤,而第六種則是最佳的聆聽方式:

1.評論式聆聽

對於他人的話語不斷給出評論:「你應該怎麼做比較好」、「你不該這樣做的」、「我覺得你這樣做是對的」不僅僅是負面的評論,正面評論同樣存在其危險性,因為你在做的是下結論,而不是真正在聆聽對方說話。

2.解讀式聆聽

對於他人的行為擅自解讀:「你之所以會這樣,是因為你怎樣怎樣」、「我知道妳為什麼要這麼說,是因為妳怎樣怎樣對吧?」在這樣的情況下,我們常常是帶著自己的價值觀在解讀對方的話,擅自幫對方做了詮釋。

3.支持式聆聽

「沒關係,我來幫你…」、「剩下的交給我處理就好了」雖然聽起來很棒,但事實上,我們剝奪了對方自主處理與獨立的能力。

4. 權威式聆聽

透過下命令式的方式指揮對方怎麼做,例如「你一定要…」、「我建議你…比較好」、「如果是我的話,我會…」聽起來似乎也不錯,但請別忘了,你還沒把對方的故事完整的聽完呢!

5.調查式聆聽

「這是什麼時候發生的?」、「所以他到底對你說了什麼?」試圖了解對方更細節的故事,反而會讓好奇心殺死一隻貓。請記得,聆聽的本質是「聽」。

那麼,到底什麼是有效的聆聽方式呢?那就是讓對方持續的說下去,並且核對對方的感受,也就是第六種聆聽模式:移情式聆聽。

6.移情式聆聽

「我想跟你確認一下,你的意思是……這樣嗎?」、如果我沒聽錯,你的感覺是……?」不斷反覆確認對方的真實意圖,以及不帶評論地協助對方整理他的情緒。

或許你會問,難道前五種聆聽方式就不該使用嗎?我覺得倒不盡然,但是,請你在把事情的脈絡搞清楚之後,再給予建議,或者是確認對方到底需不需要你的建議。

再者,無論如何,這都是孩子的事情,我們可以陪著孩子一起去面對,例如詢問孩子「不然明天我陪你去學校和老師聊聊,你覺得怎麼樣?」而不是跟孩子說「交給我處理,我會去幫你跟老師澄清。」

如此一來,孩子才能夠參與其中,慢慢學習如何應對自己的生活,而不是等著其他人來解決自己的問題。

我們扮演的是陪伴者、協助者的角色,而不是把孩子的人生遊戲搶過來玩,代替孩子過他們的人生。

作者  

貓心 Psydetective

台大心理系畢業。國北教心理與諮商所。
撰寫心理相關文章,期望能陪伴自己與讀者找回安全感。


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